Feedback på mitt essay.
Hej, jag går i nian och ska skriva en op-ed essay. Jag skulle uppskatta feedback från andra än mina föräldrar då min lärare inte svarar på mejl :-) Ska också lägga till att jag går på en skola där man pratar engelska i nästan alla ämnen så kraven är högre i just detta ämnet. Temat på mitt essay är hur rökning på offentliga platser ska förbjudas (jag vet att det redan är förbjudet i Sverige men detta är mer generellt i hela världen).
The ultimate act of selfishness
What would you say if I told you that the cigarette you’re holding is not only ruining yourself but the people around you as well? It releases secondhand smoke and contributes to air pollution which have fatal effects on our bodies. Therefore, it needs to be banned.
The secondhand smoke released from a cigarette contains over 7000 chemicals and hundreds of toxins, many of which can cause cancer. It is being inhaled by children and adults putting them at risk for health conditions. Furthermore, approximately 2.5 million nonsmokers have died since 1964 from conditions caused by secondhand smoke. People can’t go about in their everyday lives without being exposed to it, in other words, it is not their choice. They are forced to inhale smoke and have their bodies destroyed so someone can satisfy their need for nicotine. It is a selfish act that is protected by the law in man countries.
Banning smoking in public would also decrease air pollution. A study showed that smoke-free Irish pubs had a 93% percent lower level of air pollution than the level in pubs where smoking was allowed. Long-term exposure to high-level air pollution can lead to health problems such as decreased lung function and aggravated asthma. Again, the selfish act is putting others at risk.
In conclusion, smoking in public does not only disturb the surrounding environment but is also dangerous for the people within the environment. A ban would lower the level of air pollution and amount of secondhand smoke. Consequently, fewer people would have to suffer from these health conditions. The ban would therefore improve the quality of life but more importantly, save the lives of thousands of people.
Work Cited
“How smoke-free laws improve air quality: A global study of Irish pubs.” Nicotine & Tobacco Research, 20 April 2009.
“The Health Consequences of Smoking-50 Years of Progress: A Report of the Surgeon General.” Drug and Alcohol Review, 23 October 2015.
Jag vet att källorna är gamla, vilket är något jag tänkt mycket på. Men den från 2009 är väldigt relevant till ämnet så jag valde att ha kvar den.
Ser bra ut (ordval, grammatik, struktur) för att vara ärlig. Sorry om du inte fått feedback, men det är tyvärr få som orkar läsa igenom hela texter (bara lärare).
Det ser ut som att du undviker sammandragningar i texten, ändra då "you're" till "you are". (samma sak med can't i det andra stycket)
"...is not only ruining yourself...", skriv hellre "ruining your body" då det annars kan tolkas som personen har blivit pank
"It releases secondhand smoke and contributes to air pollution which has fatal effects on our bodies."
"They are forced to inhale smoke and have their bodies destroyed so someone can satisfy their need for nicotine.", låter lite som att du syfter tillbaka på 'they' i början, prova att formulera meningen annorlunda.
"It is a selfish act that is protected by the law in many countries."
"A ban would lower the level of air pollution and the amount of secondhand smoke."
"In conclusion, smoking in public does not only disturb the surrounding environment but is also dangerous for the people within the environment." Egentligen inget direkt fel men man brukar inte säga 'people within the environment', det räcker med bara 'the people' eller 'your fellow human beings'.
Innehållsmässigt tycker jag din text är bra, du skulle möjligvis kunna försöka koppla avslutet lite mer till inledningen dock. Det kan också vara en bra idé att försöka variera meningslängden. Väldigt bra jobbat för att gå i åk 9 måste jag säga! Måste också tillägga att jag själv läser Eng 5 så jag har säkert missat en del fel men jag hoppas jag är till hjälp ändå :)
